Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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