The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
