dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
