I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
