dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
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