In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
