i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
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