Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
