JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
