Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
