Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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