Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
