In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
