oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
