my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
