Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
