Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
