we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
