you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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