he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
