You can't motorboat a personality
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
