I'm gonna have a badass scar
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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