that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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