Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
