8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
if only i could text you this smell
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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