Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
