my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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