Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
