I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
