My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
