He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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