New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
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