Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
We smell like vodka and hangover
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