If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
