You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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