If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Randomize
