He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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