I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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