i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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