My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
