He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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