You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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