My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
