Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
