as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
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