I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
