I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
