I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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