How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
