made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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